5.Jackie Rangel — Direct

JACKIE RANGEL: The next time I got opportunity to spend with them was the summer of 2012. My brother was going through some hard times with his wife and he brought Merah, Eli and Nahtahn first. And it was like okay, mom and dad really couldn't wholeheartedly looked after them, you know, all day because they both worked. And I was like, well, I can do it, you know. And if I need something, you guys are right there, you know. So if I'm screwing up, you can tell me. So I had them. And then a little while later, I got Gabriel. And I laugh with my mom because I had more of a schedule with them than I do with my own daughter. She goes kind of like by a guideline. But we would wake up and we'd have breakfast the same time. I knew what hairdo they were going to do before they even asked. Merah, we -- every night, we had to do a braid because brushing that in the morning was just a mess.

And either she was going to do Rapunzel hair, because that was her favorite princess at the time, or she was going to do a princess bun. And we would -- sometimes we would go -- and my mom, she had a rose garden. She would get so mad sometimes because they were just now where she could grow some. And we would pick them and we would put them in her hair. And Elias, it was always -- there was always a debate whether or not he was going to have part of his hair spiked or just full on spiked hair everywhere. And Nahtahn wanted a mohawk, but for some reason, he couldn't say it and it was silent, so he called it like a mawk. And that's what he wanted everyday. So after breakfast, they all got ready. We would go to a park for a splash pad or we would just do some outdoor activity. Then we would come, have lunch.

And then after lunch, we either would curl up all in the living room, I would make a spot on the floor, or we would go into papaw's bed and watch TV in his bed while it was, you know, naptime, quiet time. You know, if they fell asleep, they fell asleep, but if they didn't, I didn't pressure them to take a nap. Even afterwards, when nap was over, it was time to take them to -- our local library does different programs during the summer. And they had an event every Tuesday and every Thursday. So we went every Tuesday, every Thursday to them. Or it was some outdoor activity, again, that we would do. We'd come back, dinner, you know, with our nightly routine, brush teeth, wash face. We would pray and, you know, we would all curl up in my bed. You know, Merah would be on my left. And she was just a wiggle worm at night. And Elias would be on my right. And he would never let go no matter how much sweat he was sweating.

And there was never a morning that went by that Nahtahn didn't wake up with, at least, a handful of my hair from just holding onto it. Because he would sleep -- I moved down on my bed to where my feet dangled off and Nahtahn would sleep at the head. And Gabriel, we set him up in our dining room. So that way, it was between mom and me, so that way, you know -- of course, I wasn't used to a baby crying in the middle of the night. So if he got up, you know, one of them could tend to him or -- you know, if they heard him first or whether or not it was I. And that's what I did my entire summer.

JACKIE RANGEL: Yes. We never missed a sermon, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, Wednesday evening. If our churches had any other functions, we were there. Even with VBS, we were there from the moment it started to we were the last ones to leave. We went to my churches VBS and our sister churches VBS. And even then, it was a different denomination, you know, than what Timmy believed, but he never corrected me on to take them to an apostolic or however you pronounce it church or, you know, was angry that I took them to my church. And, you know, they would sit and -- you know, they were perfect little kids. One time, I want to say it was John 3:16, because we always talked about -- Timmy always talked about that verse with them. But our preacher was starting to recite it and Merah actually jumped up and finished it. And it's like, you know, it was a cute moment and she felt so shy and embarrassed. And it was just nice because the whole congregation just let out this little aah.

Of course, she -- I've never seen her so red and she put her hands in her mouth and just kind of like recited in herself what did I -- I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. And I said, no, no, no, that's good. It's good. And they just -- they just sat there quietly for the rest of the time. You know, they were a part of our church family. There's not a member at my church that didn't know them. There's hardly any members of our community that didn't know them. If there was a community function, we were there. Like I said, our church is very involved with, you know, a lot of different things that go on. Even the mayor of the town attends our church, you know. So they were very much involved in my life as well as the community. I don't think there was ever really a time that, unless it -- not even when it was raining outside because we would strap on our boots and go jump in puddles, even in the rain. We were -- there wasn't a day that was spent indoors.

Timmy and I, we actually took a vacation that summer, too. And that's probably my -- where I made my most fondest memories of them. You know, on the way up there, I was asking Timmy -- you know, we just talked like brother and sister, debated on where to stop for food and, you know, whether it was going to be chicken, beef, fast food or sit-down. You know, he let me pick where to go and researched different places to go. And I want to say it's called the DuPage County Museum, I believe it's called. We went and I think that's my favorite memory. I couldn't find the photo to bring to you, but the photo just shows them as a family as a whole. There was like a bubble stand that you would stand in the center and Nahtahn would kind of always stand behind Timmy's leg and he was holding Gabriel and Merah and Eli stood together. And it was tight-knit, so you had to be close. And you would pull a lever inside.

And, you know, Timmy would start to pull it and get halfway, you would see the excitement building in Merah's face and then Eli would just boop (indicated) and pop it. And Timmy would be like, okay, and he'd start up again and Eli would do the same, boop (indicated) and pop it. And he did that like three more times. You know, Merah just finally let out just this grunting huff in aggravation. You know, Timmy was like, Son, stop doing that to your sister. You know, and that's the exact moment when I have the picture of them. And, you know, and I told Timmy, I was like, okay, just one more chance and we're forming a line, you know. We can't -- we have to share. We don't want angry moms on us. Even when we went places, you know, no one -- it was just always happy, you know. I guess the brother I know was loving and caring, you know. He didn't yell. He didn't swear. I've never seen him drink. I've never seen him smoke a cigarette. You know, I've never seen him do anything bad.

You know, my brother is kind and he's gentle, you know, and I love him for it. And that's why it's hard for me to be here because it just -- it hurts because I just -- I'm angry because he missed out on important moments of my life, you know, like my wedding. The main thing that I wanted was to dance with all my brothers and he wasn't there. The birth of my child, you know, he wasn't there. And, you know, as the only girl, it's like, you know, you put your foot down and you want your way. Even now, it's -- I still see my brother and I just -- it's hard because I want to go and hug him and I can't. I can't touch him. I can't do anything.

JACKIE RANGEL: It affected me a lot. When it happened, we wanted to do a memorial service, but no one was strong enough to step up and do it. And, you know, I kind of swallowed it, put it in a box and I stepped up and I did it. And I did it to the best of my abilities. I went through thousands of photos of them, you know, which ones to pick, what to pick, where to put them? What picture am I going to use for the wreath, what color are they going to be, what theme on the wreaths, how big, what flowers? You know, what song will I play? Who will speak? When? The order? Even the balloon release. Down to the dress code. You know, I didn't want anyone wearing black. You know, I wanted it like Sunday dress, fun, bright colors. And, you know, at the time, I didn't know I was pregnant. And when I found out, it was hard -- it was hard because -- especially when the doctors told me my conception date. My conception date is the day they died.

And going through all of that, it was hard to tell my parents who just lost the title of grandma, grandpa, that it's not true, you know. So it was hard for them to be happy for me. And I didn't know how to tell them, so I left and I went to be with my now husband and it was weeks before I told them. And even then, it was months before I came around just because it was hard. And I would talk to my mom often and we would talk about how it made it a little easier for her when people would ask how they are, you know, how's your grandchildren and she could say oh, the baby's doing okay. And even though she knew who they were referring to, it lessened the blow a little bit for them. And, you know, even with my daughter, I had a very hard pregnancy. I wasn't near my parents just because I didn't want them to feel bad or have bad memories.

And even when my daughter was born, it was hard because all I thought about was Gabriel and holding him and loving him and -- you know, even now, she's got long curly hair and I have to brush it and braid it every night before bed. And it's like I just feel broken or angry because, you know, I think of Merah. And the way she -- her attitude is sometimes I think of Nahtahn. And, you know, my daughter always wants to look the best, be the best. You know, she doesn't ever want to be in her play clothes when it's play. She wants the prettiest, sparkliest, poofiest thing out there. And it makes me think of Eli. He would always prefer, you know, a button-up and collar than a tee-shirt and shorts. And, you know, even now as a mom, I literally live in my parents' backyard just in fear that I can't let anything happen to my daughter. Because, you know, God forbid if something did, it would crush my dad. I know he won't take it. I won't be able to take it.

And, you know, it's -- being here is hard because she's so far away and I just have, you know, this anxiety, this restlessness that something's going to go wrong and I'm not there, that I can't get to her fast enough, you know. And she knows where I am. She knows who her Uncle Timmy is and tells me all the time that Timmy needs to give you back, but she can't understand. And even with that, with everything that's happened with Timmy, you know -- and I love my parents, but inadvertently, they worry about every decision I make. Or, you know, sometimes they overanalyze every step that I take with her just because we had no warning and they don't want the same thing with her. You know, they make sure 20, 30 minutes every single day, they take her and they literally have to kick me out of their house and keep her and, you know, spend time with her just that way, I -- they know I get some down time, that I have a break. You know, my daughter has the best relationship with her papaw and will be with him every day. She tells me all the time that she's going to go live with papaw and just visit mommy. Or I get onto her for something, she tells me, I'm going to tell papaw on you. And just little things like that that she does.

JACKIE RANGEL: This is the day that I moved into my dorm. This would be the beginning of August of 2012. Merah -- we would take Merah shopping for all of my stuff. And she kind of -- she helped me decorate it. On the bed is two Build-A-Bears, one she made, one I made. And, actually, you can't really tell, it's blacked out, but that's Gabriel in between us. And Merah, she gave me a stuffed animal elephant that I used throughout the summer to tell them that -- you know, his name was Mr. Stuffalupakus, we had all named him together. And I told them, I was like, Okay, well, he's going to be here to watch over us and keep us safe. And she gave him to me and she told me it was my turn to be safe since I was going to be away. And she helped me move in. And even Timmy, it was kind of like a thank you for helping me with the kids. I didn't want money. He's my brother, you know, I don't need anything from him. I just, you know -- he had bought me, actually, the latest and best laptop there was.

And, oh, God, it had to be like 20 inches wide or something. It was so big that it was literally the only thing that I could ever fit on my school desk. And, you know, it had all, I guess, the bells and whistles that went along with it and the best processor and memory. I actually used that throughout college for everything. And even then, it was hard sometimes because a couple months later, we lost touch. And I'm big on my promises. If you promise me, hold up to it. And he'd always promised that he'd help me with work, help me with my schooling. And it's -- you know, I did it all on my -- I had to do it on my own. He was there for the beginning and then we had our falling out and then was gone for the middle. And, you know, he was always just a phone call away and then he wasn't. And a part of that is just we were both stubborn. And you couldn't tell neither of us that we were wrong. We always were right.